10 Things I’m Not Doing Anymore: That Set Me Free
Reflections on Bondi Beach
The warm breeze, sun-kissed skin, temporary footsteps on the shore, and people gazing beyond the horizon. Seagulls crying and clouds swimming in the sky, while I try to grab the minute, which is summer. That is me in the picture, enjoying my summer vacation of 2022 at Bondi Beach, like there is no tomorrow. As I sat on the beach and stared upon those crashing waves of the sea, I could also feel many thoughts crashing against my mind. This is the exact moment when I started writing this reflective piece — or more like an end of year reflection.
During the past year, there were many situations that made me grow, both personally and professionally. After all, life itself is a reflective piece. I believe that as I got older, I started to value the word “authenticity” more often, as I started to show up for myself and others in a more authentic way. As a mental health practitioner, I spend most of my time analysing people’s behaviour patterns, personalities, and traits while helping them achieve the best version of themselves. I have always believed in change. But, I also believe that if a person wants to change, they have to be ‘willing’ to do so. This also means enhancing our self-awareness on unhealthy habits that we may have developed in response to negative situations in life. An unhealthy habit may unconsciously present itself as a coping mechanism that requires change, through awareness.
Unlike my previous articles on my blog, this one comes from a very personal point of view. As a psychotherapist, not only do I get the opportunity to help others grow, but I also get to engage in my own self-discovery. Over the years, there were many things I that ‘quit’ doing in order to improve my wellbeing and to have a better relationship with myself.
This is me sharing my personal reflection, hoping these tips will be a guide for someone else who is also on the road of self-discovery and is hoping to achieve a better state of wellbeing.
Here are 10 things I’m not doing anymore, that have brought me inner peace.
1. Being a victim of the toxic productivity culture
Unfortunately, we live in a society that is more obsessed with being productive than healthy. Society has taught us from a very young age that, being productive means to “work”. But sometimes, being productive means to “rest and recover”. We often see detrimental quotes such as “good vibes only”, “winners don’t have time to rest,” or “rise and grind” circulating on social media. There was a time in my life where I was also a neutral bystander of the “hustle culture”, until I knew better. It is important that people understand the difference between genuine optimism and toxic positivity. Once you realise that your self-worth does not depend on your productivity, you will be able to do a deeper reflection on yourself.
From a psychological perspective, hustling, being too busy, and overachieving are unhealthy coping mechanisms people use to ‘feel good’ about themselves. This is also a way of escaping feelings of low self-esteem, inferiority, and low self-worth. Being busy can be a distraction from just sitting and feeling, and this is something most people are afraid to do. Therefore, being busy avoids the reality of suppressed feelings, relationships, and conflicts in life. Once you understand this, you may be able to give a new meaning to the words “productivity” and “success”. My definition of success is different from most people; what is your definition?
2. Being disconnected from my emotions
I have spoken about this topic in several of my previous articles, because I cannot emphasise it enough. As any other person growing up in a South-East Asian culture, I had no idea about the purpose of my emotions, because this is a topic that is rarely discussed within our cultural framework. My life changed when I enhanced my emotional awareness, accepted my emotions, and learned how to process and regulate them in a healthy manner. During my career, I have seen that many people feel afraid to accept and process their emotions. Hence, they avoid them and suppress them, until they reappear in the face of mental health issues, substance abuse, poor emotional regulation, etc. Once you connect with your emotions and realise that they serve a survival purpose, it allows you to be in touch with your authentic self, rather than your false self.
“Am I disconnected to my emotional system?”, is a good self-reflective question to begin your journey on emotional awareness and acceptance.
3. Chasing materialism
We live in a materialistic society where people’s success and worth depend on a branded set of clothes or materialistic goods. There is nothing wrong with living a good, comfortable life that brings you happiness. But, the sad truth is that nowadays, people are so obsessed with materialism and capitalism that they cannot grasp any concept which goes beyond it. Capitalism is so internalised — look how many people use escapism as a way of life and look how many people apologise for resting!
I stopped chasing materialism when I realised that it did not make me feel fulfilled. Instead, I found many other things that I could do, which brings me internal satisfaction.
If external goods make you feel fulfilled and boost your self-esteem or ego, it simply means that your self-esteem is internally suffering and that you have a lot of internal work to do. Materialism is temporary, but inner healing will set you free for the rest of your life. Therefore, the true purpose in life is not to collect things, but to collect more wisdom and knowledge.
4. Taking things personally
Something I stopped doing as I grew older was personalising other people’s emotions and behaviours. Sometimes when people mistreat us or are rude to us for no reason, it’s important to assess this situation objectively. However, as humans, it’s normal for us to feel offended or hurt. When people mistreat us, we often internalise this by blaming ourselves or thinking that it is our fault. But, we are not responsible for other people’s feelings or behaviours. We are only responsible for ours. If someone puts you down to make themselves feel better, they need to do the inner work.
People’s behaviours and emotions are merely a result of their own past experiences. Once I started looking at other people’s behaviour towards me in a more objective and rational way, I started to empathise more and attach less.
5. Less toxic relationships and more authentic relationships
When I was younger, there were many times I felt different from other people. There were also many situations where I felt like I did not fit in, no matter how hard I tried. However, as I grew older, I stopped blaming myself when I realised that there was nothing wrong with me, but rather, I struggled to fit in to “surface conversations”, also known as “small talk”. Even as an adult, engaging in surface conversations is something that makes me extremely uncomfortable and which I believe is a “waste of time”. I’m extremely fascinated by conversations that are so deep which makes you think about the things that really matter in life.
Over the recent years, I excused myself from a lot of conversations that felt fake and forced. I’m also very cautious about who I let in to my circle now, because I do not want to sit in a room full of people who gossip about another person’s dress or engage in small talk. It’s important to set healthy boundaries and distance yourself from energy-draining connections. On the other side, I have also been very fortunate to meet many people with the same mindset as me and form authentic connections with. Now, I really do enjoy having a small circle of genuine friends with whom you can have an intellectual conversation, talk about anything other than meaningless gossip and have fun at the same time!
Quality over quantity, always.
6. Being afraid of what other people think
Although we must listen to and value other people’s opinions, it is important to remember that not everyone’s opinion serves a purpose. Being afraid of what other people think of you, at the cost of your own happiness is not worth it. Peace and happiness is found within, never through external validation. Therefore, when I stopped people-pleasing and learned to be content within, is when I discovered true peace.
This is also something that I learn from my parents, because they have always given me their support and allowed me to have the freedom to do what I enjoy doing in life. Even when I chose my career pathway in psychology, my parents said, “do what makes you happy”, which is a set of words I still live by. “Do what makes you happy”, because other people will criticise you no matter what you do, so you might as well do what really makes you happy!
7. Taking my time for granted
Something that I learned the hard way is that not everyone will value your time and respect your boundaries. Therefore, it is up to me to take control of my own time. It’s important that we value our time because the clock is only ticking every day. We are here for a short ride, so why waste our time doing things that make us unhappy. Using my time to do what really makes me happy is what I truly enjoy.
8. Being afraid to say ‘NO’
There were many times in my life where I was afraid to say “no” to people and commitments, even at the price of my own happiness. We often hesitate to say “no” to others for several reasons, such as not wanting to lose a relationship or not wanting to sound rude. However, over time, I realised that my own peace was more important than being in a situation I did not want to be in. This is when I started to practise and also share with others the importance of setting healthy boundaries. In fact, it is an act of self-care, and self-care is never selfish.
9. Neglecting my physical health
Similar to taking good care of my mental health, I have also been more focused on enhancing my physical health. As I grew older, I realised the importance of movement and healthy food. I have cut down on most sugary foods that I used to eat during my teen years (chocolate, dessert, ice cream, etc.) and have been more cautious about my food intake. Practising mindfulness is also something I have been working on, as it helps to be more mindful of your body and mind.
10. Learning and Learning
Learning is something that we do every day until we reach our grave. Learning has nothing to do with educational qualifications or school performance. Something I have stopped doing over the years is spending less time watching TV and listening to controversial political debates. I would rather spend more time reading books and articles. A book will never let you down. Once you reach the end, it will always give you something to carry with you for the rest of your life. Something that I also enjoy is writing and sharing my ideas with others because we are all learning from each other.
There is always something to learn from another person. It could be a child, an adult, a situation, or even a stranger you see on the road. If we are curious enough, we will never cease to grow.
I hope my reflection will also help you in some way and I wish you all the best with your own self-discovery. Thank you for reading!
For more mental health tips, follow my page: Mind Climb
